Crimeny

What is powerful?

The posterior of a fêted leader. The whim of the feckless, and bored. Geometric progressions. Rum.

 

The demise of another crystal ship: Part 2 of 2

“Excuse me, is this some kind of joke?” And before I could answer, “because I find all of this very irregular.  Is this supposed to be some kind of exercise in lateral thinking? Or a situational contingency?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what that means. Can you explain it?”

“I won’t explain it.”

The demise of another crystal ship: Part 1 of 2

We try not to make a habit of destroying job-seekers. We’re a panty-waist company. Quite literally, we make panty-waists, and other elasticized liners (you just can’t imagine the utility value of a good panty-waist in countless industrial tasks!).

Take the last guy who came in here – complete fiasco. This was clearly not the new VP – Business Development of our panty-waist company.

Pity. His profile had looked so promising.

Join the Past Relief Team!

Did you know that American charities generate as much as 6 billion dollars every year? Even a small charity like Hip-Hop Widows for Gun Control pulled in several million in tax-deductible donations in 2007. Charities connected to a major religion make even more!

You’re probably wondering: “But how can I make money with a charity? I don’t even belong to a health club. I can’t make money with a charity.” Well, yes, you can!

Color Politics

Dear Editor, 

I consider myself one of the broader-minded citizens of this liberal republic of ours. I believe the death penalty is inhumane, multiculturalism a plus, racism abominable, open inquiry a godsend and liberal education the bedrock of our future prosperity. However, I have been made indignant.

 I read with absolute horror the article in yesterday’s paper on progressive teaching practices employed by our elementary schools. Here I refer particularly to what seemed to be accolades given to Miss Snyder of Grant Elementary in Sharmantown, Missouri. There is nothing praiseworthy about her desire to repress the color green.

Neopolitano

Che cazzo vuoi!

Eh? What’s this? I fall asleep with Frerreta and now this? Quella ragazza! Cabron! What is this business I’m wearing? I look like a pazzo. And Freretta? Where is she? Who is this chica next to me? In silks, no less. Strange get-up for a groupie.

That Lonzo’s going to get a butterfly for a paycheck the way he takes care of me!

Thus wakes Silvio Barducco, silver-tongued Italian pop star and lead singer of the group “Stronzo! Tua madre!”, on the morning of 11 January 2009, in the body of president-elect Barack Obama.

One tough monkey

Hey, marathon runners! Yeah you marathon runners! Listen up! Put away the Powerbar for a quick second and listen! Listen now, goddamn you marathon runners!

You’re flirting with disaster. Not the kind of disaster that clings between your ass cheeks 20,000 miles into the race. The kind of disaster you’re flirting with is the species-extinction variety.

Public Service Announcement

Hi, y’all. I’m Satan. It’s nice to meet you here tonight.

I’ve never met most of you. Perhaps I should tell you all a little about myself. Would you like that? Would you like Lucifer to tell you a bit about himself?

Yes?

OK, then. First of all, I’m evil...