Hi, y’all. I’m Satan. It’s nice to meet you here tonight.
I’ve never met most of you. Perhaps I should tell you all a little about myself. Would you like that? Would you like Lucifer to tell you a bit about himself?
Yes?
OK, then. First of all, I’m evil...
First of all, I’m evil. But I guess that doesn’t surprise you.
Second, I work in construction. I built your opera house, for example. Do you like it? Construction is a very satanic business. We never stop working, but we never get done. That’s the devil, for you. Have you heard the one about the father who says, “Not now, boy, daddy’s gotta work.” Yeah, that’s one of ours. Nice, isn’t it?
Oh yes, and I’m on the Internet. I have my own web-page. I call it Wikipedia. I hope you like it.
You might be wondering what I’m doing here tonight. You might be thinking: What is Satan doing at a rock concert? It’s true, it’s strange. The truth is: I hate rock.
Do you know what I like? I love techno music. Don’t believe me? You should come to hell some time. It’s like a never-ending Moby concert. It’s terrifying. Really.
No, I just have a little message for you tonight. The message is this: Don’t use pornography.
OK?
Thank you. I’ll be on my way now.
What? Perhaps I should explain. OK. I’ll explain. Don’t use pornography because it’s a pack of lies. OK?
Pornography, my children, is made by angels. That’s why it’s so full of shit. Angels, as a matter of fact, are full of shit. They’re so full of shit. I’ve seen angels, even with all their wings a’flappin’, can’t even get off the ground they’re so full of shit. It’s funny. I’ve seen it. It was so funny I almost didn’t kill that angel, but I did. Because I’m Satan and I kill funny things.
Did you ever watch pornography? Have you, my children? Did you ever wonder why the pizza delivery guy gets laid so often? It’s because it’s all bullshit. Yeah. And did you ever notice that women don’t really like it when you shoot your wad in their eyes? You did? Yeah, that’s a load of crap too.
Truth is: People are always saying pornography’s perverted. That it’s the work of the devil. But that just isn’t true. No, it’s not. Fact is: I hate pornography. I hate sex. So I hate pornography too. I mean, it’s not the dumbest, most ridiculous crock of shit angels ever invented. You know what that is? Some really stupid bullshit? Freudianism. That Freud guy was the most heavenly bullshit artist you ever seen. He’s up there now, at God’s right hand, listening to Vangelis songs.
Do you know what I like? Action films. We demons make lots of action films. All those Die Hard movies? We made those. We like it when films encourage you to kill. And to be killed. That’s what we’re all about. Action films are transparent and glossy. We like that. Do you know what else is transparent and glossy? Jello. That’s why, in hell, we love jello. Hell is a regular paradise for jello lovers. It’s just about all we eat. Sometimes we rub it on our scaly bodies. Did you know that Jello’s made from ground-up bones? It’s true. Tasty.
Perhaps you thought that pornography was evil. It’s not. I’m evil. Angels make pornography. And, as you can clearly see, angels have no taste. Can you imagine someone who has no taste? Can you? I bet you can. That person’s probably an angel. Angels like to wear t-shirts with clever little post-modern mottoes on them. They drive electrical cars and study sociology. Yes. Tasteless.
You may not like me. But take my word for it: If you saw a room full of angels filming a porn-shoot, you’d start to hate God too. I mean, angels love tanning booths. And they’ve got real limited vocabularies, people. After I’ve heard the fifth angel in a row lisp “you’re so good”, I’m already eager to get back to hell. Oh, yeah, and angels invented the dildo.
Now, I don’t expect your sympathy. I just want you to think for a second. Here’s an idea: Have less sex. Really. Try it. You’ll thank me. Later. Now I’m off. Burn in hell.
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